I had a 10 pint home draught, I cannot actually drink that by myself. It is not within me. Therefore, I invited people round for a BBQ to all drink it together. Here is that story and will probably explain why I do not usually host things.
Woke up at 10:30. People were arriving at 12:30. And I had no food for a BBQ. Oh fucking dear. Dressed into my oldest clothes and then ran off to the bus stop with some loose notes and a desire not to make this day a waste for anyone. Got on the bus with my mp3 on, knowing that I had no money left on my Oyster and if I had my music blaring, I cannot hear the driver shouting at me. Absolute intelligence at its finest.
Got off the bus near the Shopping Centre and walked past the charity book shop, saw something I wanted and bought it. A book by Jasper Fforde that I wanted. This put me below budget for the barbecue. Oh, tiddlywinks. I bought meat and drinks AKA Coca Cola. Some woman gave me a look as if to say, "You've never been shopping in your life." And you've never stopped shopping, I see you here every week. Bitch.
Right. Now we get the problem of the TESCO shopping bags, which seem to be made out of incompetent clouds. As soon as I was away from the shop, they ripped. I can't go back now, but I do not know how to carry these items. Suddenly, I saw a familiar face. Now, I think I was obviously in need of help, so I thought this guy might help out a bit. Just carry one Coke bottle, that's all. I got fuck all. Go fuck yourself, mate. Get onto the bus in an awkward position that nearly breaks my wrist and actually makes my middle finger numb for a week. Didn't see the doctor, I'm far too arrogant for that.
Get home. Ow. Set the table and the chairs outside. New tablecloth. Freshly mowed lawn. Perfect.
It starts to rain. At a BBQ. I stand there for five minutes, contemplating life and my very existence. I was going to have a mental breakdown, but I'm far too arrogant for that.
PART 2 COMING SOON
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