This time I actually had my driving test. Let's get that tension out of the way quickly and reduce this blog to nothingness. There's no conflict anymore. Good.
Woke up to some Mini Viva song on the alarm clock at 7:20, 40 minutes before I was due to be picked up by my instructor. I got ready and put on some incredibly old and comfortable clothes and walked to the local petrol station to get an overpriced energy drink, obviously, that is more important than eating. Obviously. Walking down my road, I noticed immense traffic. Some may think it's ironic, as my test was cancelled due to traffic and now I may not get there due to traffic. Stop. It isn't ironic, just annoying as fuck. I shouted "WHY?!" like a maniac at which a driver leaned out of his window and said to me "Well, I'm not happy about it either, mate."
That put me in my place really. And I'm not your mate.
Eventually got back home and watched Oliver! for a few minutes, listening to "You Have to Pick a Pocket or Two" several times. Best song in the film. A decision was made, I would get rid of all bodily fluids now and save time later. Not that bodily fluid, I didn't have all the time in the world. As soon as I start, the phone rings and I'm the only one awake. It was bound to be my instructor, Gere, complaining about the traffic. Will anything go well?
Eventually, he drove me through the traffic and we started practicing. Stalled three times and couldn't put the car in gear half the time. This made me happy. Get the mistakes out of the way now. Kill everyone in the car now, nobody has to do the test. There's a good chap.
Eventually (second time I've used eventually, fuck me), we got to the test centre, immediately went to the toilet and took my piss for confidence. Got back for my driving instructor to say, "Do your fly up, I think that's a minor." His stand up DVD come out at the end of time itself. Pre-order it.
Examiner came out and checked my license (both parts), but not my theory pass certificate. Is this your first day on the job, missus? It was a woman. Cue jokes about them not being able to drive. Which they can't. Stereotype? Yeah, your point? Stereotypes don't appear out of nothing. They are true. So shut up. She then checked my eyesight with a license plate in the distance, all fine until a letter came up that could have been W or M. I took my time and then said W. She was fine with that and we walked to car. After a quick glance, I noticed it was an M. This was not going to be a good examiner. A hypocrite at least. Then she asked me to open the bonnet, which I did, and tell her where the oil was and how to check it, which I did. Smooth. We went inside the car and she asked me about the headrest. WHAT?! Who cares about the headrest?
"Where should the headrest be?"
"Behind your head."
"But where?"
"...the back of the head."
"No, not exactly. Adjust it please."
Fuck off "Alright."
This went on for at least a fortnight. And I got a minor, although you should only get a minor if you answer BOTH questions wrong. Complaint if I don't pass.
Started driving and there was a left turn. Nothing in sight, and I LOOKED. Damn hard. There was only a learner car driving at 4mph. This was the gap. I had found THE GAP. I went and there was a slight swerve in my turn. She jumped out of her seat and went for the wheel like a maniac. Or a fascist (?). I quickly started driving as if would get the wheel away from her. She seemed content to just write stuff about me, like a gossip suffering withdrawal symptoms. I could have pulled the wheel out of the car, but that may be a minor. Several turns in a row. What are you playing at?
Three point turn/turn around in the road. Viciously looking at both sides all the time, like a mute who was trying to refuse the sexual advances of a hippo. Minor for lack of observation. Get out of town, you deviant. Had to pull over about seven times as this indecisive woman chose a spot to parallel park or reverse around a corner. When the examiner is more nervous than the examinee, that's a bad sign. And I was sweating buckets. BUCKETS. I think she gained her own tropical climate.
Dual carriageway. Minor for speeding, even though I was changing lanes down a hill and if I had braked to slow down, I would have died. Hey, always stay to the speed limit, kids. Even if you're about to die. I learned that the hard way, by living. So yeah. Roundabouts were fun, I found several of THE GAPS. Awesome.
Parallel parked. She was mute, so I never knew when she wanted me to drive on. Awkward standing still for three minutes. Reverse a little bit.
"Drive on."
I hate you.
Right, after several pedantic little turns, we got back to the office and I got my result. Passed. With 11 minors. Quite inside a pass, but she gave me "the benefit of the doubt". Go away, you're giving me a tumour. Bitch. Extremely harsh marking, by someone with less nerves than Scooby Doo. A pass is a pass. First time pass. Take that.
If you haven't done a first time pass, then you can't drive. Probably a woman too. So fucking there.
I'm going to go live without an ID for 20 days.
No, who the fuck carries their passport around with them?
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