Severely overpriced with more shops than rides. Never go to this hellhole filled to the brim with scum. Unless you somehow get in for free. Perhaps through the hole in the fence behind Nemesis Inferno. Never used this secret passage, it may just be a myth.
Carrying on, the best way to go there is somehow without charge and to get there extremely early, so you can go on at least one ride (perhaps two, if you're an international sprinter) without the hassle of hour long queues. There will be some charge, as people need to eat and they charge you for parking without letting you know. Honourable people at least.
No great occurrences, let's go through the rides:
Stealth: Far too short, but a massive quick drop. Always ends up breaking or having a massive queue, one so long that you eventually forget what ride you are queuing up for, but are dying for a Pepsi. Thank you, severe advertising. Go to this ride at 9:00.
Nemesis Inferno: I always get the feeling that the designers just couldn't decide what to call this ride. Indecisive. Alright, go to this at 9:30 or it'll be queued to the max. Bit longer than Stealth, but not as thrill inspiring. Absolute idiots seem to love this ride.
Samurai: 45 minutes? You are having a giggle. Unless you sit on the edge, it is a massive waste of time. Do not be surprised if people realise at the last minute that they do not meet the height requirements. They live in ignorance to make themselves feel better about themselves only to embarrass themselves in front of everyone. Or could not be arsed to check. Only two options.
Slammer: Piss inducing. Frightening at times. Over very quickly. Oh boo.
Vortex: My favourite ride. Decent amount of time spinning and swinging around whilst everyone screams, wishing for their death and I can inflate my ego by not screaming. I AM better than you, I did not scream. So there. Queues are not that long either, but there is still a Fasttrack if you want. I'll get onto that later.
Colossus: Wow. Actually well worth going on. Get Fasttrack though. Two hours for ten loops? The math is not there. I would suggest going on this at 9:00, but it's never open at that time. Despite the schedule. Why does nobody stay on schedule? The best ride there, but I still prefer Vortex for the simplicity, nostalgia and lack of pretentiousness. Wow. I write some utter drivel.
Flying Fish: Nostalgia factor, but below average unless you're under 10.
Tidal Wave: One hour wait. Did not get soaked, despite success in previous Tidal Wave endeavors. I want a refund or some Thorpe Park credit for whatever the fuck I want. Ergh. Should have taken my shirt off to be honest. Then I would get a cart all to myself. Then I would've gotten wet. Maybe. If I lied on the thing. Larger surface area. Rambling.
Fasttrack: Hello. I would like to pay £60 to skip queues. please. Severely overpriced. And there's a massive queue for the Fasttrack. Maybe there's Fasttrack to get Fasttrack. There are special deals, where you get four rides for £10, but it'll be one big ride and then three like the Flying Fish, which has a wait of five minutes. Who needs Fasttrack for that except those with severe diarrhea? And also want to go on the Flying Fish? Shambles.
Never go to Thorpe Park. Unless you can get in for free. Or have low standards.
Go to Drayton Manor, which despite being stuck in a time warp, isn't half bad.
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